You walk on by
Clueless and so high
Following your aimless path
Away from us
You're so far away
And what can I say?
'Cause I can't be the one
You wanted me to be
So tell me, how do you feel?
It's so confusing
If you let it all go
It'll fall apart
Do you want me to stay
And say I still want you?
You want me to
Don't you?
So what are we saying?
Our Eden's a failure?
A made up story to fit
A picture perfect world?
The one with I do
And I love you
And we are made for each other
Is forever over now?
So tell me, how do you feel?
It's so confusing
If you let it all go
It'll fall apart
Do you want me to stay
And say I still want you?
You want me to
Don't you?
I hope there's forgiveness
In the distance between us
Can't we make what lies ahead of us
A better place to be?
So tell me, how do you feel?
It's so confusing
If you let it all go
It'll fall apart
Do you want me to stay
And say I still want you?
You want me to
Don't you?
{sarah.mclachlan}
17 February 2015
25 February 2014
Slipped Away
Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Oh
Na na na na na na na
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't
Oh
I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Oh
I had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened, you passed by
Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go,
Somewhere you're not coming back
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same no..
The day you slipped away
Was the day that I found it won't be the same oh...
Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you
[avril.]
I miss you, miss you so bad
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad
I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Oh
Na na na na na na na
I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't
Oh
I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same
Oh
I had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
And I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened, you passed by
Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you are gone, now you are gone
There you go, there you go,
Somewhere you're not coming back
The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same no..
The day you slipped away
Was the day that I found it won't be the same oh...
Na na, na na na, na na
I miss you
[avril.]
20 May 2013
Stormy Weather
And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
With grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
And I will die alone
and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
because death is just so full
and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind
and what's before.
And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
With grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
With grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
With grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
And I will die alone
and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
because death is just so full
and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind
and what's before.
And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
With grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
With grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair
[Mumford.After-the-Storm.]
09 March 2013
Musings, Er, Music
All of these words whispered in my ear
Tell a story that I cannot bear to hear
Just 'cause I said it, it don't mean that I meant it
People say crazy things
Just 'cause I said it, don't mean that I meant it
Just 'cause you heard it
[rumour.has.it.|adele.]
Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
Woah oh oh (What do I stand for?)
Woah oh oh (What do I stand for?)
Most nights I don't know... (oh, come on)
[some.nights.|fun.]
Maybe I should learn to shut my mouth.
I am over twenty-five and I can’t make a name for myself some nights I break down and cry
[one.foot.|fun.]
22 October 2012
Blessings
Come Thou fount of every blessingTune my heart to sing Thy graceStreams of mercy, never ceasingCall for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnetSung by flaming tongues abovePraise the mount, I'm fixed upon itMount of Thy unchanging love
Here I raise my EbenezerHere there by Thy help I comeAnd I hope by Thy good pleasureSafely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a strangerWandering from the fold of GodHe to rescue me from dangerInterposed His precious blood
Oh, to grace how great a debtorDaily I’m constrained to beLet that grace now, like a fetterBind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel itProne to leave the God I loveHere’s my heart, oh, take and seal itSeal it for Thy courts above
Come Thou fount of every blessingTune my heart to sing Thy graceStreams of mercy, never ceasingCall for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnetSung by flaming tongues abovePraise the mount, I'm fixed upon itMount of Thy unchanging love
Teach me some melodious sonnetSung by flaming tongues abovePraise the mount, I'm fixed upon itMount of Thy unchanging love
Here I raise my EbenezerHere there by Thy help I comeAnd I hope by Thy good pleasureSafely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a strangerWandering from the fold of GodHe to rescue me from dangerInterposed His precious blood
Oh, to grace how great a debtorDaily I’m constrained to beLet that grace now, like a fetterBind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel itProne to leave the God I loveHere’s my heart, oh, take and seal itSeal it for Thy courts above
Come Thou fount of every blessingTune my heart to sing Thy graceStreams of mercy, never ceasingCall for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnetSung by flaming tongues abovePraise the mount, I'm fixed upon itMount of Thy unchanging love
26 September 2012
The Curse of September
Like most people, I begin to dread the end of Summer sometime around mid-August, but for different reasons than one would think. I don't have a good history with Septembers. In fact, if I one day become President, my first official order of business is going to be to delete the month altogether and regroup with an eleven-month year. True story.
Back to my mid-August panic at the impending doom of September. Summer = smooth sailing. Weekends are spent swimming, playing outside, (or, more likely, basking in the frozen breeze of AC), and generally enjoying a laid back pace of life. Even the foods of Summer are better - think about it, grilled meats, juicy fruits, corn on the cob. What's better than corn on the cob? Nothing! So, I'm not totally neurotic for wanting to freeze time and enjoy Summer for as long as possible.
I digress. September has historically sucked, dating back to, like, 2003. My sophomore year of college, my parents separated because my step-dad sucked at hiding his progressing alcoholism. Then my sister went through a pretty dark period, and the curse officially started. I bet there's a giant book of Curses somewhere, and there's one for my family that dictates that each September we are all to be dealt with life-altering, gut-wrenching obstacles to overcome. So, sophomore year, the curse began, and I was affected, but able to stay distant enough from the problems at home by devoting my entire life to my sorority, school, and booze. The curse didn't really hit me too hard that year. In fact, I think the curse may have even subsided for the next couple years. But then, I graduated college and moved back to Delaware, where the curse's power is strongest.
The Summer after college, I moved back to Wilmington and started getting chronic, painful sinus infections. By the time September rolled around, I was suffering to the point that my ENT determined I needed a surgery that would involve removing a large part of my sinuses (which were 90% congested), and likened the procedure to cleaning out a honeycomb. He also put the kibash on my planned vacation to Peaks Island, and deemed me as not healthy enough to travel to a land covered in trees. [Side note: I didn't know at the time, but that was my last opportunity to ever go to Peaks again. Looking back, this makes me sad.] So, not only did I cancel my vacay, but I had to take a two-week leave of absence from a job I'd only been working at for three months. Needless to say, it was an unpaid leave. But that was painless when compared to the recovery from the actual surgery. I should have known the curse was back in full effect when I woke up in the recovery room feeling like I'd been hit in the face with a 2x4 and promptly vomited up a healthy (or unhealthy?) amount of blood. Those two weeks off work are pretty foggy in my memory, probably because I spent most days counting down the hours til my next dose of Percocet. Sinus surgery sucks.
Fast forward to September 2007. I still hadn't realized that this month is cursed, and therefore don't really remember any sense of impending doom towards the end of Summer. I do, however, remember feeling angry all the time, mostly because of the time capsule that had been slowly leaking its contents of memories into my consciousness for the past year or so. By September, my anger towards my step-dad had grown so obvious that it could no longer be attributed to his treatment of my mom or blamed on unresolved issues relating to his alcoholism. So one September day, my sister was at my apartment, and my step-dad became a topic of conversation. I don't remember details, only that my sister asked me, point blank, why I was so angry at him. My answer to her question changed our lives forever. My sister has not spoken to her father since. Mark moved out of our house that same day. My mom filed for divorce. Large amounts of money were moved into accounts that were never identified or accessible to my mom. I began a long journey of therapy, that I am still on today because any sighting of a person resembling my stepfather triggers a panic attack. I think you get the idea, September had finally cemented itself in my life as a cursed month, to be dreaded before its first day and celebrated after its last.
All I remember from the entire Fall of 2008 was that I slept a lot, gained a lot of weight, skipped a lot of showers and was reeaaalllyyyy depressed. We'll blame this on the curse.
September 2009 wasn't devastating in the sense that anything happened to completely shatter my world. However, my wedding was set to take place on September 27, and as of September 24 (give or take a day), the money that was to be used to pay for said wedding was still tied up in settlement negotiations that my stepfather had dragged out for two years. The entire month was rife with setbacks, negotiations with attorneys, and nail-biting. Finally, two days before my wedding, the money was released and I was able to breathe easy and write checks to all the vendors (who did amazing work to create a beautiful wedding).
2011 was the year the curse shifted its focus to my beautiful daughter. My poor daughter had suffered through months of respiratory and GI issues, along with a string of ear infections that culminated in two surgeries in, you guessed it, September (technically, the second surgery was the first week in October, but for the sake of this post, we're putting it under the umbrella of the September curse). The worst part of the endless testing and ever-changing diagnoses was not knowing what was wrong with my child. My marriage suffered, my faith faltered, my nerves were completely shot, and I sank into the now-annual September depression. This was our darkest time as a family, as we faced the potentially fatal diagnosis of cystic fibrosis (which wasn't in September, but see above reference to 'umbrella'), to the manageable prospect of mere constipation.
By the Summer of 2012, I was no longer naive to the Curse's impending doom. I thought, "I'm going to get in front of this train, and prevent the Curse from happening this year." I made an appointment with my therapist, to discuss my propensity to fall into a depression in September, and made a clear "action plan" of coping mechanisms to stave off the darkness. But, alas, the Curse proved to be stronger than me, once again. We began the month trying to overcome the setback of two months of unexpected, very expensive car repairs that really hurt us financially. Then, I was presented with a career opportunity that would seemed too good to be true, only to end in disappointment. My husband was also dealt with disappointment in his career. Then, we had a pretty ugly storm that caused a power line to fall into some neighboring trees, and resulted in my yard being covered by Asplundh in downed tree parts that, to date, has not been removed. Then, Belle developed a cough. It started innocently, more annoying than dangerous. Until last night, when we rushed her to the emergency room because her body shut down because she was struggling so hard to breathe. The nurse who took her vitals was so alarmed at the lack of air in her lungs that he had Belle set up on a nebulizer in the coffee room of the E.R., because her condition was emergent enough that we couldn't wait for an available room.
I feel so discouraged. I keep praying, and telling myself that there is no such thing as a "September Curse," and attempting to rely on God to lift the darkness from my heart. I keep trying to be mindful of the great things in my life, the love of family, the community and friendship of my CCW family, the roof over my head, and so on. I keep thinking that, even though there's no money in the bank, and Eric and I can't even exchange gifts on our anniversary, that God's plan is in action. God provides. It's really hard to stay so positive when your child is suffering, though. It's really hard to keep getting slammed with the "hard stuff." So, today, as it stands right this second, September, I throw up my hands in defeat. Wake me up when you're over.
Back to my mid-August panic at the impending doom of September. Summer = smooth sailing. Weekends are spent swimming, playing outside, (or, more likely, basking in the frozen breeze of AC), and generally enjoying a laid back pace of life. Even the foods of Summer are better - think about it, grilled meats, juicy fruits, corn on the cob. What's better than corn on the cob? Nothing! So, I'm not totally neurotic for wanting to freeze time and enjoy Summer for as long as possible.
I digress. September has historically sucked, dating back to, like, 2003. My sophomore year of college, my parents separated because my step-dad sucked at hiding his progressing alcoholism. Then my sister went through a pretty dark period, and the curse officially started. I bet there's a giant book of Curses somewhere, and there's one for my family that dictates that each September we are all to be dealt with life-altering, gut-wrenching obstacles to overcome. So, sophomore year, the curse began, and I was affected, but able to stay distant enough from the problems at home by devoting my entire life to my sorority, school, and booze. The curse didn't really hit me too hard that year. In fact, I think the curse may have even subsided for the next couple years. But then, I graduated college and moved back to Delaware, where the curse's power is strongest.
The Summer after college, I moved back to Wilmington and started getting chronic, painful sinus infections. By the time September rolled around, I was suffering to the point that my ENT determined I needed a surgery that would involve removing a large part of my sinuses (which were 90% congested), and likened the procedure to cleaning out a honeycomb. He also put the kibash on my planned vacation to Peaks Island, and deemed me as not healthy enough to travel to a land covered in trees. [Side note: I didn't know at the time, but that was my last opportunity to ever go to Peaks again. Looking back, this makes me sad.] So, not only did I cancel my vacay, but I had to take a two-week leave of absence from a job I'd only been working at for three months. Needless to say, it was an unpaid leave. But that was painless when compared to the recovery from the actual surgery. I should have known the curse was back in full effect when I woke up in the recovery room feeling like I'd been hit in the face with a 2x4 and promptly vomited up a healthy (or unhealthy?) amount of blood. Those two weeks off work are pretty foggy in my memory, probably because I spent most days counting down the hours til my next dose of Percocet. Sinus surgery sucks.
Fast forward to September 2007. I still hadn't realized that this month is cursed, and therefore don't really remember any sense of impending doom towards the end of Summer. I do, however, remember feeling angry all the time, mostly because of the time capsule that had been slowly leaking its contents of memories into my consciousness for the past year or so. By September, my anger towards my step-dad had grown so obvious that it could no longer be attributed to his treatment of my mom or blamed on unresolved issues relating to his alcoholism. So one September day, my sister was at my apartment, and my step-dad became a topic of conversation. I don't remember details, only that my sister asked me, point blank, why I was so angry at him. My answer to her question changed our lives forever. My sister has not spoken to her father since. Mark moved out of our house that same day. My mom filed for divorce. Large amounts of money were moved into accounts that were never identified or accessible to my mom. I began a long journey of therapy, that I am still on today because any sighting of a person resembling my stepfather triggers a panic attack. I think you get the idea, September had finally cemented itself in my life as a cursed month, to be dreaded before its first day and celebrated after its last.
All I remember from the entire Fall of 2008 was that I slept a lot, gained a lot of weight, skipped a lot of showers and was reeaaalllyyyy depressed. We'll blame this on the curse.
September 2009 wasn't devastating in the sense that anything happened to completely shatter my world. However, my wedding was set to take place on September 27, and as of September 24 (give or take a day), the money that was to be used to pay for said wedding was still tied up in settlement negotiations that my stepfather had dragged out for two years. The entire month was rife with setbacks, negotiations with attorneys, and nail-biting. Finally, two days before my wedding, the money was released and I was able to breathe easy and write checks to all the vendors (who did amazing work to create a beautiful wedding).
2011 was the year the curse shifted its focus to my beautiful daughter. My poor daughter had suffered through months of respiratory and GI issues, along with a string of ear infections that culminated in two surgeries in, you guessed it, September (technically, the second surgery was the first week in October, but for the sake of this post, we're putting it under the umbrella of the September curse). The worst part of the endless testing and ever-changing diagnoses was not knowing what was wrong with my child. My marriage suffered, my faith faltered, my nerves were completely shot, and I sank into the now-annual September depression. This was our darkest time as a family, as we faced the potentially fatal diagnosis of cystic fibrosis (which wasn't in September, but see above reference to 'umbrella'), to the manageable prospect of mere constipation.
By the Summer of 2012, I was no longer naive to the Curse's impending doom. I thought, "I'm going to get in front of this train, and prevent the Curse from happening this year." I made an appointment with my therapist, to discuss my propensity to fall into a depression in September, and made a clear "action plan" of coping mechanisms to stave off the darkness. But, alas, the Curse proved to be stronger than me, once again. We began the month trying to overcome the setback of two months of unexpected, very expensive car repairs that really hurt us financially. Then, I was presented with a career opportunity that would seemed too good to be true, only to end in disappointment. My husband was also dealt with disappointment in his career. Then, we had a pretty ugly storm that caused a power line to fall into some neighboring trees, and resulted in my yard being covered by Asplundh in downed tree parts that, to date, has not been removed. Then, Belle developed a cough. It started innocently, more annoying than dangerous. Until last night, when we rushed her to the emergency room because her body shut down because she was struggling so hard to breathe. The nurse who took her vitals was so alarmed at the lack of air in her lungs that he had Belle set up on a nebulizer in the coffee room of the E.R., because her condition was emergent enough that we couldn't wait for an available room.
I feel so discouraged. I keep praying, and telling myself that there is no such thing as a "September Curse," and attempting to rely on God to lift the darkness from my heart. I keep trying to be mindful of the great things in my life, the love of family, the community and friendship of my CCW family, the roof over my head, and so on. I keep thinking that, even though there's no money in the bank, and Eric and I can't even exchange gifts on our anniversary, that God's plan is in action. God provides. It's really hard to stay so positive when your child is suffering, though. It's really hard to keep getting slammed with the "hard stuff." So, today, as it stands right this second, September, I throw up my hands in defeat. Wake me up when you're over.
14 September 2012
I Won't Give Up
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.
I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
[Jason.Mraz]
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