Musings, Er, Music

All of these words whispered in my ear

Tell a story that I cannot bear to hear

Just 'cause I said it, it don't mean that I meant it

People say crazy things

Just 'cause I said it, don't mean that I meant it

Just 'cause you heard it

[rumour.has.it.|adele.]

Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh

Woah oh oh (What do I stand for?)

Woah oh oh (What do I stand for?)

Most nights I don't know... (oh, come on)

[some.nights.|fun.]

Maybe I should learn to shut my mouth.

I am over twenty-five and I can’t make a name for myself some nights I break down and cry

[one.foot.|fun.]

Blessings

Come Thou fount of every blessingTune my heart to sing Thy graceStreams of mercy, never ceasingCall for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnetSung by flaming tongues abovePraise the mount, I'm fixed upon itMount of Thy unchanging love
Here I raise my EbenezerHere there by Thy help I comeAnd I hope by Thy good pleasureSafely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a strangerWandering from the fold of GodHe to rescue me from dangerInterposed His precious blood
Oh, to grace how great a debtorDaily I’m constrained to beLet that grace now, like a fetterBind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel itProne to leave the God I loveHere’s my heart, oh, take and seal itSeal it for Thy courts above
Come Thou fount of every blessingTune my heart to sing Thy graceStreams of mercy, never ceasingCall for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnetSung by flaming tongues abovePraise the mount, I'm fixed upon itMount of Thy unchanging love

The Curse of September

Like most people, I begin to dread the end of Summer sometime around mid-August, but for different reasons than one would think. I don't have a good history with Septembers. In fact, if I one day become President, my first official order of business is going to be to delete the month altogether and regroup with an eleven-month year. True story. 

Back to my mid-August panic at the impending doom of September. Summer = smooth sailing. Weekends are spent swimming, playing outside, (or, more likely, basking in the frozen breeze of AC), and generally enjoying a laid back pace of life. Even the foods of Summer are better - think about it, grilled meats, juicy fruits, corn on the cob. What's better than corn on the cob? Nothing! So, I'm not totally neurotic for wanting to freeze time and enjoy Summer for as long as possible.

I digress. September has historically sucked, dating back to, like, 2003. My sophomore year of college, my parents separated because my step-dad sucked at hiding his progressing alcoholism. Then my sister went through a pretty dark period, and the curse officially started. I bet there's a giant book of Curses somewhere,   and there's one for my family that dictates that each September we are all to be dealt with life-altering, gut-wrenching obstacles to overcome. So, sophomore year, the curse began, and I was affected, but able to stay distant enough from the problems at home by devoting my entire life to my sorority, school, and booze. The curse didn't really hit me too hard that year. In fact, I think the curse may have even subsided for the next couple years. But then, I graduated college and moved back to Delaware, where the curse's power is strongest. 

The Summer after college, I moved back to Wilmington and started getting chronic, painful sinus infections. By the time September rolled around, I was suffering to the point that my ENT determined I needed a surgery that would involve removing a large part of my sinuses (which were 90% congested), and likened the procedure to cleaning out a honeycomb. He also put the kibash on my planned vacation to Peaks Island, and deemed me as not healthy enough to travel to a land covered in trees. [Side note: I didn't know at the time, but that was my last opportunity to ever go to Peaks again. Looking back, this makes me sad.] So, not only did I cancel my vacay, but I had to take a two-week leave of absence from a job I'd only been working at for three months. Needless to say, it was an unpaid leave. But that was painless when compared to the recovery from the actual surgery. I should have known the curse was back in full effect when I woke up in the recovery room feeling like I'd been hit in the face with a 2x4 and promptly vomited up a healthy (or unhealthy?) amount of blood. Those two weeks off work are pretty foggy in my memory, probably because I spent most days counting down the hours til my next dose of Percocet. Sinus surgery sucks. 

Fast forward to September 2007. I still hadn't realized that this month is cursed, and therefore don't really remember any sense of impending doom towards the end of Summer. I do, however, remember feeling angry all the time, mostly because of the time capsule that had been slowly leaking its contents of memories into my consciousness for the past year or so. By September, my anger towards my step-dad had grown so obvious that it could no longer be attributed to his treatment of my mom or blamed on unresolved issues relating to his alcoholism. So one September day, my sister was at my apartment, and my step-dad became a topic of conversation. I don't remember details, only that my sister asked me, point blank, why I was so angry at him. My answer to her question changed our lives forever. My sister has not spoken to her father since. Mark moved out of our house that same day. My mom filed for divorce. Large amounts of money were moved into accounts that were never identified or accessible to my mom. I began a long journey of therapy, that I am still on today because any sighting of a person resembling my stepfather triggers a panic attack. I think you get the idea, September had finally cemented itself in my life as a cursed month, to be dreaded before its first day and celebrated after its last.

All I remember from the entire Fall of 2008 was that I slept a lot, gained a lot of weight, skipped a lot of showers and was reeaaalllyyyy depressed. We'll blame this on the curse.

September 2009 wasn't devastating in the sense that anything happened to completely shatter my world. However, my wedding was set to take place on September 27, and as of September 24 (give or take a day), the money that was to be used to pay for said wedding was still tied up in settlement negotiations that my stepfather had dragged out for two years. The entire month was rife with setbacks, negotiations with attorneys, and nail-biting. Finally, two days before my wedding, the money was released and I was able to breathe easy and write checks to all the vendors (who did amazing work to create a beautiful wedding).

2011 was the year the curse shifted its focus to my beautiful daughter. My poor daughter had suffered through months of respiratory and GI issues, along with a string of ear infections that culminated in two surgeries in, you guessed it, September (technically, the second surgery was the first week in October, but for the sake of this post, we're putting it under the umbrella of the September curse). The worst part of the endless testing and ever-changing diagnoses was not knowing what was wrong with my child. My marriage suffered, my faith faltered, my nerves were completely shot, and I sank into the now-annual September depression. This was our darkest time as a family, as we faced the potentially fatal diagnosis of cystic fibrosis (which wasn't in September, but see above reference to 'umbrella'), to the manageable prospect of mere constipation. 

By the Summer of 2012, I was no longer naive to the Curse's impending doom. I thought, "I'm going to get in front of this train, and prevent the Curse from happening this year." I made an appointment with my therapist, to discuss my propensity to fall into a depression in September, and made a clear "action plan" of coping mechanisms to stave off the darkness. But, alas, the Curse proved to be stronger than me, once again. We began the month trying to overcome the setback of two months of unexpected, very expensive car repairs that really hurt us financially. Then, I was presented with a career opportunity that would seemed too good to be true, only to end in disappointment. My husband was also dealt with disappointment in his career. Then, we had a pretty ugly storm that caused a power line to fall into some neighboring trees, and resulted in my yard being covered by Asplundh in downed tree parts that, to date, has not been removed. Then, Belle developed a cough. It started innocently, more annoying than dangerous. Until last night, when we rushed her to the emergency room because her body shut down because she was struggling so hard to breathe. The nurse who took her vitals was so alarmed at the lack of air in her lungs that he had Belle set up on a nebulizer in the coffee room of the E.R., because her condition was emergent enough that we couldn't wait for an available room. 

I feel so discouraged. I keep praying, and telling myself that there is no such thing as a "September Curse," and attempting to rely on God to lift the darkness from my heart. I keep trying to be mindful of the great things in my life, the love of family, the community and friendship of my CCW family, the roof over my head, and so on. I keep thinking that, even though there's no money in the bank, and Eric and I can't even exchange gifts on our anniversary, that God's plan is in action. God provides. It's really hard to stay so positive when your child is suffering, though. It's really hard to keep getting slammed with the "hard stuff." So,  today, as it stands right this second, September, I throw up my hands in defeat. Wake me up when you're over.

I Won't Give Up

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

[Jason.Mraz] 

The Event

"Creatively, do you think it's true or false that many of the artists who we know and love are often governed by a single event that happens in their life, and that event then becomes this vivid, iconic thing they return to over and over in their work?" Crowe asks. 

 "One-hundred percent true. That's not actually my moment or my theme – my moment is not one that I would probably talk about," says Stone. "But there is a moment that keeps coming back over and over throughout my life. It's the thing that I return to when I'm making a decision out of fear. Anything that I'm doing out of fear is defined by that moment."

[Cameron Crowe, interviewing Emma Stone for Interview magazine]

Gone Girl

I've literally seen it all, and the worst thing, the thing that makes me want to blow my brains out, is: The secondhand experience is always better. The image is crisper, the view is keener, the camera angle the soundtrack manipulate my emotions in a way reality can't anymore. I don't know that we are actually human at this point, those of us who are like most of us, who grew up with TV and movies and now the Internet. If we are betrayed, we know the words to say; when a loved one dies, we know the words to say. If we want to play the stud or the smart-ass or the fool, we know the words to say. We are all working from the same dog-eared script.

It's a very difficult era in which to be a person, just a real, actual person, instead of a collection of personality traits selected from an endless Automat of characters.

....

It had gotten to the point where it seemed like nothing matters, because not a real person and neither is anyone else. I would have done anything to feel real again.

Gone Girl [Gillian.Flynn.]  

This passage from the book I am currently reading struck me because of its similarity to a recent sermon given by Jason at worship. Of course we are jaded, and manipulative, and numb. How could we not be in this world where selfishness and competition override any real feelings and passion? How many times have I compared a situation that was happening in-the-moment to a song, or a movie, or a TV show? How sad is that? I have edited more Facebook statuses than I care to admit, tweaking them until they portray the self that I am comfortable displaying to the world. I am mindful of the words I let escape into the world wide web for fear of judgment, criticisms, etc. I rarely post a photo of myself that isn't larger than a head shot because I don't want anyone to see me, the matronly, just-trying-to-get-through-the-day Shaina. 


There is a redeeming truth left out of the book, which was passionately provided by Jason during a recent worship service. God sees me. God sees right through those carefully thought out Facebook statuses and knows what truly lies in my heart. And He loves me anyway. He wants me. His whispered words of encouragement are hidden in the every day stuff of life, and when I stumble upon them I am grateful and ashamed and guilty and in awe of His grace. 


Last night I was laying in bed listening to pretty intense thunderstorm, and as I listening to the grumbling thunder and heavy rain, I was struck by God's power. It's time to go " All In," as Jason described in worship. God's power and mercy demands that I give myself to Him 100% without the superficiality of religion gone bad, or with vain intentions, or a genie's list of wishes. It's time to get back to basics, and be true to my authentic self, without fear of judgment, completely flawed and scared, but able and willing, thirsting, to get the most out of this life that God has given me.

Keep On Keepin' On

People keep on learnin'
Soldiers keep on warrin'
World keep on turnin'
Cause it won't be too long

Powers keep on lyin'
While your people keep on dyin'
World keep on turnin'
Cause it won't be too long

I'm so darn glad he let me try it again
Cause my last time on earth I lived a whole world of sin
I'm so glad that I know more than I knew then
Gonna keep on tryin'
Till I reach the highest ground

Teachers keep on teachin'
Preachers keep on preachin'
World keep on turnin'
Cause it won't be too long
Oh no

Lovers keep on lovin'
Believers keep on believin'
Sleepers just stop sleepin'
Cause it won't be too long
Oh no

I'm so glad that he let me try it again
Cause my last time on earth I lived a whole world of sin
I'm so glad that I know more than I knew then
Gonna keep on tryin'
Till I reach my highest ground...Whew!
Till I reach my highest ground
No one's gonna bring me down
Oh no
 

Till I reach my highest ground
Don't you let nobody bring you down (they'll sho 'nuff try)
God is gonna show you higher ground
He's the only friend you have around

{stevie.wonder.}