2008 was a strange, sad, yet beautiful year. So many changes, yet I catch myself at times angrily realizing that not much has changed at all.
As all reflections should, let's start from the beginning...
I spent the Christmas season of '07 in bed, unable to realize and accept that my life was forever changed because I'd exposed my stepfather for what he truly is. I'd lost my church, half of my family, and I'd watched helplessly as the hearts of my mother and sister were shattered beyond immediate repair. Rightfully or not, I decided to spend the last remaining days of this disgusting year buried under the covers, helplessly waiting for it to end.
2008 began with a fervent, almost desperate, declaration that the new year would make up for everything wrong and sad in 2007. I was determined not to let my parent's divorce, and resulting aftermath, darken the bright and shining promises that this new year offered. Silly me. In the beginning, all went according to plan-- I was seeing a wonderful therapist, who literally brought me back to life, my beautiful Eric proposed, and I began to plan our new life (how ironic that my old life had so abruptly ended).
My bio-dad and I were actually establishing a consistent, albeit dysfunctional, relationship. As much as he could, he really proved to be a good "father" this year, and it was comforting to have some sort of male figure (besides Eric) to turn to in the wake of the divorce. I could've done without the confession of his coke habit and he and his "girlfriend's" rendevous. But, he is who he is, and the man honestly loves me, which is more than I can say for the other one.
Early Spring was a bit rough. The divorce was finalized, and the long, bitter and unfair war of the division of assets began. It is very hard for me to comprehend why a man who has caused so much damage and destruction can actually lay claim to anything once shared with the people he has hurt. Mark has continued to be exposed for what he truly is, and his lies have been excruciating, infuriating, and other "-ing" words that express betrayal and greed. He has not made any steps whatsoever toward rehabilitation, he refuses to take the steps that would even begin building a bridge back to Lilly. More than anything else, the pain he has caused in Lilly is the hardest to witness and endure. Watching my baby sister suffer and feel so alone has been heartbreaking. She has been abandoned and betrayed by the one she was closest to. I want to carry her in my pocket at all times to make sure she is safe and whole. I don't think any of us will ever be whole. I used to hope, but he took that hope away with his greed and lies.
I'm not as hurt by the ties cut by my grandparents. They believe what they need to believe so they can make it through the day, and if his lies keep them alive, so be it. However, the blame they place on my mother is appalling to say the least. Again, I am sad for Lilly. She related to the Van Dyk's way more than my mom's side of the family, and she's lost them, too. And yet, he will not take responsibility, even for the sake of his only child.
In October I applied, and was ultimately admitted to, graduate school. Through my journey with my therapist, I realized a personal desire for helping others through their journey. In January, I begin a three year Masters program to become a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). It is exhilirating, and also a huge relief to finally have made the decision to go back to school, and to have realized what I want to do with the rest of my life. I don't feel so....aimless, anymore.
December. If only 2008 had ended November 30. I would be able to honestly declare the year a success. I'd survived, I felt stronger, healthier, clearer... until December.
My very close friend, Amy Grace, lost her fiance (and also my friend), Andrew. He was 23. Andrew.just.died. A seemingly healthy young man reached a temperature of 109 and just died. Amy and Andrew were together since her Sophomore year of high school. He would visit her in York often, and the three of us would spend weekends and school breaks at home laughing til we hurt, and making memories that I will never let go of. Andrew proposed to Amy on September 27, 2008, exactly one year before Eric and I will marry. I felt (and sometimes continue to feel) guilty that she should suffer the loss of her beloved, while I plan my fairy tale. It hurts my heart to think of beautiful Amy and the pain she must be going through.
December worsened with the reckless death of my twelve-year old cousin's mother. The first firefighter in her company to be killed in the line of duty in over 100 years, Michelle would've been 30 this past Monday. Selfishly, I haven't let my heart or mind even begin to process her death, and what it will do to her daughter.
God has given me the strength to handle very much in my seemingly short 24 years on Earth. He has brought me comfort in the worst of times, and I've felt His presence and love in my loneliest days. I do not understand, and have (very humanly) gotten angry over the young lives He's claimed in the past month. But I cannot stop believing that there is a method to all this madness, and a reason behind His will.
My faith is the one precious thing that has endured and given me strength, from when I was a small child being taken advantage of by a monster, through the confusion and feelings of helplessness that monster brought, through the divorce, to today, as the door closes on another year that has brought me to my knees and has shaken me to the core.
My God will mercifully bring me through, and bring Lilly through, and bring Amy through, and bring Michelle's daughter through, the darkness. My prayer for 2009 is that the year will finally expose the light I've been searching for through the dark tunnels of the previous two years.
I did not intend to begin this stream of consiousness, if you want to call it that, as a way to express my faith or gratitude toward God. My faith is something I tend to keep close and personal, not wanting it tainted or exposed to the jaded opinions of others. But in these dreary and gray days, as America is slowly falling to its knees, and we turn to a new president to bring us back into the light, I think it is also time to turn back to God, with hope that He too, will bring back the light.
So, in the spirit of new beginnings and a heart full of hope, I have come full circle, back to my last post, in which I listed my "favorite things." I'd like to start that list over, this time calling it my "Hopes for 2009." Drumroll, please...
- I hope that settlement is reached swiftly and fairly;
- I hope that my mom is able to keep her house, and that the Van Dyk's will realize she is only fighting for the interests and protection of her children;
- I hope that I am enlightened and challenged by the newest educational journey I am about to begin;
- I hope that Lilly's heart will stop breaking;
- I hope Lilly knows just how much we love her;
- I hope that Eric's and my wedding is the ultimate expression of our love and commitment to each other (and also a kick-ass, crazy fun party); and, (some may think this last one most important)
- I hope that the new season of Lost is as amazing and captivating as its preceding seasons.
