09 November 2010

Let Me Hold Your Crown, Babe

















Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?


So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps

You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?

So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?

So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

{sara.bareilles}

26 October 2010

A Leap of Faith

Naturally, I turn to books to express the thoughts and struggles within my mind. It is comforting to know that my struggle to accept the notion of a Holy Creator is not unique. Authors, especially Fyodor Dostoevsky, are able to e.x.a.c.t.l.y. express the faintest, most undeveloped thoughts that are tumbling around in my silly little brain.

"Is there in the whole world a being who would have the right to forgive and could forgive? I don't want harmony. From love for humanity I don't want it. I would rather be left with the unavenged suffering. I would rather remain with my unavenged suffering and unsatisfied indignation, even if I were wrong. Besides, too high a price is asked for harmony; it's beyond our means to pay so much to enter on it. And so I hasten to give back my entrance ticket, and if I am an honest man I am bound to give it back as soon as possible. And that I am doing. It's not God that I don't accept, Alyosha, only I most respectfully return him the ticket." {Ivan, to Alyosha}

"That's rebellion," murmered Alyosha, looking down.



"It's not that I don't accept God, you must understand; it's the world created by Him I don't and cannot accept." {Ivan, to Alyosha}


"But hesitation, anxiety, the struggle between belief and disbelief—all that is sometimes such a torment for a conscientious man like yourself, that it's better to hang oneself. . . . I'm leading you alternately between belief and disbelief, and I have my own purpose in doing so. A new method, sir: when you've completely lost faith in me, then you'll immediately start convincing me to my face that I am not a dream but a reality—I know you know; and then my goal will be achieved. And it is a noble goal. I will sow a just a tiny seed of faith in you, and from it an oak will grow—and such an oak that you, sitting in that oak, will want to join 'the desert fathers and the blameless women'; because secretly you want that ver-ry, ver-ry much." {Satan, to Ivan}


"I have a Euclidean mind, an earthly mind, and therefore it is not for us to resolve things that are not of this world . . ."
          {brothers.k.}

Faith: Inner attitude, conviction, or trust relating man to a supreme God or ultimate salvation. In religious traditions stressing divine grace, it is the inner certainty or attitude of love granted by God himself. In Christian theology, faith is the divinely inspired human response to God's historical revelation through Jesus Christ and, consequently, is of crucial significance.

09 September 2010

It Won't Be Long

My beautiful daughter is 6 months old today. Just yesterday Eric and I were bringing her home from the hospital in the pouring rain... somehow I haven't noticed the rain a day since, because holding her makes any dark or dreary cloud disappear. Sometimes I look at her, and the power of love I feel hits me like a ton of bricks and nearly overwhelms me. I have the privilege of getting to go through the rest of my life with this beautiful person. I get to see her sweet smile every day, and hold her tight each night. I get to rub her chubby little cheek and tickle her tiny little feet. I was put on this Earth to be her mother, and am so blessed to accept that job from God.
 
I lay down right beside her
till her eyes are finally closed
just watching her it breaks my heart
cause I already know
it won't be like this for long
                                                                      {darius}

07 September 2010

Today. Right Now.

Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts.

***************************************************

Michael: I'll do anything.
Stephen: People say that, they don't mean it.
Michael: But I mean it!
Stephen: Well it's very simple... do whatever it takes.
Michael: It's that simple?
Stephen: Yes... you can't fail if you don't give up.

{the.last.kiss.}


____________________________________

April Wheeler: It takes backbone to lead the life you want, Frank.

***************************************************

Frank Wheeler: We're gonna be okay.
April Wheeler: I hope so. I really hope so.

***************************************************


April Wheeler: No, Frank. This is what's unrealistic. It's unrealistic for a man with a fine mind to go on working year after year at a job he can't stand. Coming home to a place he can't stand, to a wife who's equally unable to stand the same things. And you know what the worst part of it is? Our whole existence here is based on this great premise that we're special. They we're superior to the whole thing. But we're not. We're just like everyone else! We bought into the same, ridiculous delusion. That we have to resign from life and settle down the moment we have children. And we've been punishing each other for it.

{revolutionary.road}

17 August 2010

Shhhh

Be still, and know that I am God. {Psalm 46:10}


Times, They Are A Changin'

Times have changed and times are strange
Here I come , But I ain't the same
Mama, I'm Coming Home


Times gone by seem to be
You could have been a better friend to me
Mama, I'm Coming Home
Took me in and you drove me out
Yeah, you had me hypnotized


Lost and found and turned around
By the fire in your eyes
You made me cry, told me lies
But, I can't stand to say goodbye
Mama, I'm Coming Home


I could be right, I could be wrong
Hurts so bad, it's been so long
Mama, I'm Coming Home


Selfish love yeah we're both alone
The ride before a fall
But I'm gonna take this heart of stone
I just got to have it all


I've seen your face a hundered times
Everyday we've been apart
I don't care about the sunshine, yeah
'Cause Mama, Mama, I'm Coming Home
I'm Coming Home

{.ozzy.}

10 August 2010

Nothing

I stared at my reflection and the trees behind it for a long time. Not thinking anything. Not feeling anything. Not hearing the record. For hours. Something really is wrong with me. And I don't know what it is.
          xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I’d do anything not to be this way. I’d do anything to make it up to everyone. And to not have to see a psychiatrist, who explains to me about being “passive aggressive.” And to not have to take the medicine he gives me, which is too expensive for my dad. And to not have to talk about bad memories with him. Or be nostalgic about bad things.
        {perks.}

21 June 2010

Me & You Against the World

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'cause I've seen the dark side too

When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you

When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

{the.pretenders.}

02 June 2010

La Bella Vita

Hey, little girl
You might not know this song
This another kind of song that you can sing along, ...
Hey, little girl
Maybe someday
At least that's what all the good people will say 
Hey, little girl
Look what you've done
You've gone and stole my heart and made it your own
Stole my heart and made it your own
Hey, little girl
Black and white and right and wrong
Only live inside a song, I will sing to you  
You don't ever have to feel lonely
You will never lose any tears
You don't have to feel any sadness
When you look back only is
How can I look you in the eyes?
And tell you such big lies
The best I can do is try to show you
How to love with no fear
My little girl
You've gonna stole my heart and made it your own
Stole my heart and made it your own
{jack.johnson}
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Suddenly, through birthing a daughter, a woman finds herself face to face not only with an infant, a little girl, a woman-to-be, but also with her own unresolved conflicts from the past and her hopes and dreams for the future.... As though experiencing an earthquake, mothers of daughters may find their lives shifted, their deep feelings unearthed, the balance struck in all relationships once again off kilter.
{Elizabeth.Debold&Idelisse.Malave}

Sometimes when I look in her eyes the emotion overtakes me, and I begin to cry because my heart can't even begin to hold all the love I feel.

24 May 2010

The End



Let me preface this post by saying that I am at peace with how the producers finished the story of LOST. I spent a good amount of time after watching the final scene last night sitting on my sofa in disbelief, paging back through the series in my mind, trying to determine whether or not the final 15 minutes did the past 6 years justice. It took me until this morning to come to this decision, but I'm okay with the ending. And really, the producers warned us that the scientific stuff didn't matter--the people did. That being said, this is a random, stream-of-consciousness mode of processing what is probably one of the greatest pieces of television in history. What follows are incomplete, probably incoherent reactions to last night's finale, and I invoke the right to change these thoughts at any time. And so it is!

"Him destroying the island. You destroying him. It doesn't matter. You're gonna lower me into that light, and I'm gonna go somewhere else. A place where we can be with the ones we love and not have to ever think about this damn island again." -Desmond

I don't know whether to sigh in relief, grieve the end, or whether to even let myself keep thinking about it. Because if I think too much, it gets too blurry and I lose my grip on any sense I've been able to make in the first place. It was never about the island. 114 episodes building up to what you think will be the great reveal---the meaning of the island---and it's not about the island at all.

"There are no shortcuts. No do-overs. What happened, happened. Trust me. I know. All of this matters." -Jack


And yet, the island mattered to these characters, so it must matter to us. It had to be Jack. It had to be Hurley. It had to be Desmond. It had to be Locke. It couldn't have been anyone else. All of these men were flawed, but they were special. They needed each other to find their faith. They needed the island. So the island must matter.

"No one can tell you why you're here, Kate. Certainly not me."- Desmond

There are people in my life that have forever changed the course in which it has flowed. There have been experiences I've had to let go of in order to reach a better, lighter place. No one could tell me what it was I had to let go of. No one could change the past. I had to remember that past, even though I tried so hard to forget, and I had to walk a path that led me to a point where I was able to let go. And so it was for Jack, Hurley, Sun, Jin, Sawyer, Kate, John, Desmond, Sayid, and Claire.

"No Matter what world I live in, I end up being chased by the past "- random IMDB quote

It takes courage to let go. And it takes the help of the people you love the most, and who love you unconditionally, in spite of your flaws. But once you let go, you're free. And you can continue on to a better life with the people who've shared your journey.

"We've been waiting for you."- John Locke (to Jack)

The evolution of these characters has been beautifully told. The producers have always maintained that the ending would resolve the characters' unfinished story lines, and anything else would be afterthought. How satisfying were the "realization" scenes of the characters? Claire finally getting Aaron back in her arms, Sawyer clinging to Juliet in disbelief, Jin looking at his child on the sonogram, Jack crying in his father's arms, John looking at his wiggling toes in awe... this was storytelling at its greatest. There was nothing tacky or cliche about the conclusions of these men and women's stories... it was just right.

In the end it doesn't matter who first came to the island, or why pregnant women died, or what Brother's name was. What matters is that this story was about a group of men and women who were flawed, and searching for something they couldn't find on their own. This series was a story of redemption, love, friendship, and most importantly, faith. So it all matters.

Afterthoughts...
-The church scene was reminiscent of the finale of Titanic, when Jack meets Rose on the staircase. Just sayin'.

-Benjamin Linus'character ends exactly as it should have. Incomplete. Ben wasn't ready yet, he had only just found his soul and it is going to take time to search through and come to terms with everything he's done. Ben is still flawed.

-I wish there'd been more of a resolution to Eloise Hawking's role. She seemed to know through the entire series that our characters were dead and in limbo. How?

-The "smoke monster" wasn't really bound to the island by Jacob's rules after all, was he? He could've left at any time. He, unlike the rest of the characters, wasn't so important after all.

-I don't like that Sayid needed Shannon to become enlightened. I much prefered the Nadya/unrequited love plot.

-It was unneccessary to have Boone and Shannon in the finale at all. Just sayin.

-Did Widmore understand?

-I absolutely loved Jack's running jump attack on Locke on the cliff. Definitely a sit-on-the-edge-of-your-seat scene.

-I wanted to give Ben a big hug when Locke forgave him, and Hurley tells him that he was a great #2.

-I'm really glad that Kate loved Jack.

-Was the wreckage shown in the final shot of the show the original Oceanic 815 plane, the Ajira plane, or another plane altogether? Was it the setting of the "heaven" the characters walked into from the church?

-If Terry O'Quinn, Michael Emerson and Matthew Fox don't get Emmy's for their performances this year, it will be a damn shame.

-I'm really going to miss this show.

11 May 2010

What Do You Hear In These Sounds?

I don't go to therapy to find out if I'm a freak
I go and I find the one and only answer every week
And it's just me and all the memories to follow
Down any course that fits within a fifty minute hour
And we fathom all the mysteries, explicit and inherent

When I hit a rut, she says to try the other parent
And she's so kind, I think she wants to tell me something,
But she knows that it's much better if I get it for myself...
And she says

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, what do you hear in these sounds?
And... What do you hear in these sounds? ? ? ? ?


I say I hear a doubt, with the voice of true believing
And the promises to stay, and the footsteps that are leaving
And she says "oh", I say "what? "...she says "exactly",
I say"what, you think I'm angry
Does that mean you think I'm angry? "

She says "look, you come here every week
With jigsaw pieces of your past
Its all on little soundbytes and voices out of photographs
And that's all yours, that's the guide, that's the map
So tell me, where does the arrow point to?
Who invented roses? "

What do you hear in these sounds?
And...What do you hear in these sounds?

And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think
That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink
But oh how I loved everybody else
When I finally got to talk so much about myself.

And I wake up and I ask myself what state I'm in
And I say well I'm lucky, cause I am like East Berlin
I had this wall and what I knew of the free world
Was that I could see their fireworks
And I could hear their radio
And I thought that if we met, I would only start confessing

And they'd know that I was scared
They'd would know that I was guessing
But the wall came down and there they stood before me
With their stumbling and their mumbling
And their calling out just like me...and...

The stories that nobody hears...and...
I collect these sounds in my ears...and
That's what I hear in these sounds...
{dar.williams}

03 March 2010

Time Heals All Wounds?

Afterward...[people] had nothing to do but wait... wait to die... wait to live... wait for an absolution... that would never come.

18 February 2010

Eric J.


When the rain is blowing in your face,
and the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
to make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
and there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
to make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
but I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
no doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
to make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
and on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free,
you ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
to make you feel my love
{adele.}