I've literally seen it all, and the worst thing, the thing that makes me want to blow my brains out, is: The secondhand experience is always better. The image is crisper, the view is keener, the camera angle the soundtrack manipulate my emotions in a way reality can't anymore. I don't know that we are actually human at this point, those of us who are like most of us, who grew up with TV and movies and now the Internet. If we are betrayed, we know the words to say; when a loved one dies, we know the words to say. If we want to play the stud or the smart-ass or the fool, we know the words to say. We are all working from the same dog-eared script.
It's a very difficult era in which to be a person, just a real, actual person, instead of a collection of personality traits selected from an endless Automat of characters.
....
It had gotten to the point where it seemed like nothing matters, because not a real person and neither is anyone else. I would have done anything to feel real again.
Gone Girl [Gillian.Flynn.]
This passage from the book I am currently reading struck me because of its similarity to a recent sermon given by Jason at worship. Of course we are jaded, and manipulative, and numb. How could we not be in this world where selfishness and competition override any real feelings and passion? How many times have I compared a situation that was happening in-the-moment to a song, or a movie, or a TV show? How sad is that? I have edited more Facebook statuses than I care to admit, tweaking them until they portray the self that I am comfortable displaying to the world. I am mindful of the words I let escape into the world wide web for fear of judgment, criticisms, etc. I rarely post a photo of myself that isn't larger than a head shot because I don't want anyone to see me, the matronly, just-trying-to-get-through-the-day Shaina.
There is a redeeming truth left out of the book, which was passionately provided by Jason during a recent worship service. God sees me. God sees right through those carefully thought out Facebook statuses and knows what truly lies in my heart. And He loves me anyway. He wants me. His whispered words of encouragement are hidden in the every day stuff of life, and when I stumble upon them I am grateful and ashamed and guilty and in awe of His grace.
Last night I was laying in bed listening to pretty intense thunderstorm, and as I listening to the grumbling thunder and heavy rain, I was struck by God's power. It's time to go " All In," as Jason described in worship. God's power and mercy demands that I give myself to Him 100% without the superficiality of religion gone bad, or with vain intentions, or a genie's list of wishes. It's time to get back to basics, and be true to my authentic self, without fear of judgment, completely flawed and scared, but able and willing, thirsting, to get the most out of this life that God has given me.
